Abrasive Grace

When I was seventeen years old I got into trouble with the law. Influenced by a boss who was willing to pay for my participation in stealing goods for resale, I ended up in jail with a felony charge hanging over my head. This was a traumatic experience for a young man who had never even been cited with a traffic ticket. But the events that led to my release and hearing laid a foundation that is still evident in my life today.

I was born and raised in a small country community about 20 miles outside of Seattle, Washington. It was an idyllic life and up to that point I had spent probably less than two weeks total outside my comfort zone. After my arrest and the impounding of my father’s car, which I had used in the crime, I spent 48 hours in the King County Jail in downtown Seattle.  Because of the nature of my crime, I was placed in a large cell with about 15 other accused felons. The lights were on 24 hours a day, the cots rock hard, and one toilet with no privacy served us all. Worse than the physical conditions was the fear I felt being housed with older men I knew in some cases had done violent acts against other human beings.  Yes, this jail experience was way outside my comfort zone!

When my parents came to visit me the day after my arrest, the hurt in my mother’s eyes as she asked me, “How could you do this?” was like a laser beam directed at my heart. My parents, although not outwardly religious, were hard working business owners, moral people whom others in our small community trusted. I had not only brought shame on myself and them, but cut deep into the very fiber of what they stood for. The hardest part for me was knowing my current actions were not portraying the young man they had raised me to be. This very conviction was the start of a deep work of repentance in my life.

I got out of jail the next day which I assume, thanks to my dad, was 24 hours longer than I needed to be there. I don’t remember much conversation on the way home that day. Dad, being 40 years older, wasn't always sure what cards to play with me. I am now just a little older than he was then and can’t imagine having a 17 year old child at this time in my life. His love I never questioned, but gaps both generationally and culturally seemed to hinder what I was supposed to glean from him by osmosis. He was a hard worker and excellent provider, but not much of a guide for my budding masculine soul.  Mom was the dominant and somewhat domineering influence in the home and my life. She didn't come that day to pick me up and for that I am eternally grateful. The quiet ride with dad was torture enough.

I can’t remember much of the interval between my release and my day in court. I was obviously now out of a job and spent as little time at home as possible, instead choosing to be with my girlfriend.  I do remember having to go to the county courthouse to make a statement about my involvement in this criminal activity and what place my boss played in influencing me to participate. I didn’t realize when I went into that small room with my lawyer to make my statement that my ex-boss and his lawyer would be there also. I can still picture the harassing look he gave me as I fearfully told my story.

   

My day in court finally came. I can remember walking in before the judge with my lawyer and dad by my side. The charges were read and I was asked to plead guilty or not guilty. At this point I felt almost like I was leaving my body. In fact I was shaking like a leaf. As everything went into slow motion, with my head hung low, I finally stammered guilty to the charges.  That was my part in the hearing; admitting my guilt. Now came the judge’s turn to sentence me. The judge ordered restitution paid, a letter of apology to those I had stolen from, and keeping out of trouble for a specified time, after which my record would be cleared.

 

Shortly after this I was hired by another local business in the same industry I had previously worked, the owner well aware of what had transpired with me. Here again, I’m sure my dad was instrumental in me getting hired, having known the other businessman for many years. I was soon in a management position which I held until moving from the area.

I want to share some of the spiritual lessons I learned from my experience, lessons I believe the church can benefit from.

1.    Grace is always amazing but sometimes abrasive.  It was God’s grace that I was arrested. No one in my inner circle of workplace thieves was speaking into me that what we were doing was wrong. We were smug in our own hearts and minds that we were getting away with it. As hard as that time was for me, if I had not been confronted and brought face to face with my own weaknesses and sinfulness, I may have continued into deeper and darker crime. Does God work on behalf of those who have not yet accepted Him? He sure did for me.  He did for Saul of Tarsus, too  (Acts 9:3-4).

2.    Conviction is good! Thank God I was still pliable enough in my heart to be convinced what I was doing was wrong. Conviction always calls for a response (Acts 9:6). If I had hardened myself to just be sorry for getting caught and not sorry for my sinful actions, an entirely different outcome may have come about. My conscience knew stealing was wrong, but external factors around me reinforced the internal lusts for money, power, and prestige that fought against my conscience. It’s so easy to make excuses for sin.

3.    Confession is powerful. Confessing my guilt before the judge was at once excruciatingly hard and exceedingly freeing. It was good to speak truth about my actions without excuse. I’m sure Paul made confession before his baptism after having his eyes opened (Acts 9:18). Confession opens the door for grace-filled justice to be executed in your life. Grace is free on the receiving end but very costly on the giving end.  I never knew what it cost my dad for lawyer fees, court fees, and restitution, but on my eighteenth birthday he gave me a card that simply read, “Received in full, God only knows how much.” The Father bankrupted heaven for us.

4.    Repentance opens the door for blessing.  I embraced the grace given me, changed my mind and heart, and turned in a new direction (Acts 9:20). God’s grace leads to repentance. Grace opens the front door, and conviction, confession, and repentance are the rooms the Holy Spirit will lead us through to blessing.

I’ve witnessed this same process many times in my life. God doesn’t initiate the process just for the big blunders we make, but lovingly for the small rebellions, too.  We all have them, that’s for sure. Failure to embrace the process of restoration in its fullness opens the door to hardness of heart and further rebellion. Agreeing with God about both our weaknesses of the flesh as well as our great potential in Him allows God to initiate His full counsel in our lives. Don’t sabotage His best for you.